Happiest of Mondays friends!
So yesterday was amazing. Nothing spectacular happened, there was no big news of a publication, there were no new “things” bought that made me feel good about myself.
Just a monumental shift in perspective.
On my drive home from seeing off K at work, and after church, I had a moment of calm, perspective, and a big ‘ole mind and heart shift. Sounds crazy I know, but its true.
Change is coming, and happening. I can feel it. It’s something I have been actively praying for, but didn’t know I was praying for it specifically. Until now.
Let me back up slightly. Since last summer I think I have been transitioning to this new season without ever realizing it. God was changing me, molding me little by little.
Last year I freed up my entire summer because my dream was to do an internship in New York City, primarily with Martha Stewart. To my surprise I actually got an interview (what?!), but ultimately did not get the position. That’s because God had other plans. I think I cried for like 2.5 minutes, because I really trusted that if it was God’s plan then it would have worked out.
I moved on.
So with an entire summer to myself with no weddings or projects, I needed to fill my time. That’s where studying in my Bible became a priority, also routinely working out, and focusing on finally finishing school in December.
Throughout my study and time focusing on my walk with the Lord, focusing on my heart, my priorities, our marriage…(the list could go on forever) I kept coming back to the same feeling.
I felt like I was at this insanely thick concrete wall, where Jesus was on the other side, and all I wanted to do was blast through it and get to the life He wanted me to lead, get to where I was the wife I was created to be, where I honestly didn’t care about not having 50K+ IG followers, etc. I felt like the only tool I had was a super dull knife, but I really needed a sledgehammer. I was willing to put in the hard work and sweat, but with a dull knife you can only go so far.
However, I finally feel like I have that sledgehammer I’ve been wanting, needing, and praying for.
I can truly say that I no longer want to be the person that others look to and are jealous of me or my life. This makes me sad to realize, but this is why I think I have had such a hard time with comparison. When I look at my heart, its because I was jealous of others and their perfectly white kitchen with the marble I want so badly, or their impeccable taste in outfits, or quite possibly the biggest of all…their social media footprint (how many followers they have, the fact they get 792,000 likes of their coffee cup, etc). Yes I have honestly felt poorly about myself when I scroll through and see this, WHY?!! It’s finny to think about, but serious when I look closer at the reasoning behind it.
I don’t want to be the person that always seems put together, that always has perfect hair and make-up, that seems like the perfect wife or that we have the perfect life.
Example: I personally think its pretty darn perfect, but just two nights ago I really, really hurt K’s feelings with an incredibly crude and not Christian comment. It surprised both of us because I had no idea where it came from. Sheesh, but thankfully he just willingly gave me grace just like Christ. And then we moved on after I insisted he pray for my soul! Ha!
I don’t want any of this anymore. I’m surrendering it, fully.
I want to be the person that others look at and wonder what’s different. Certainly not in a jealous way, like I have been guilty of, but in a curious way.
I want Jesus to shine so brightly that others can’t help but notice. To bring glory to His name in a way that I just haven’t cared to before.
All of the success I wanted, and the ways I “count” my success don’t matter anymore. None of it will be remembered in the long run. I’m letting this way of thinking go.
I now realize that the only successes that matter in this new season are 1. how I follow Jesus and 2. the kind of wife I am to K. (one day I hope to add a 3rd of how I mother our children, but we’re gonna stick with 2 for now!)
That’s it.
I want to live a real life and transparently. Not live revolved around many likes I get on a picture that was the 50th take before I got it “just right”. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still gonna make a conscious effort to produce pretty IG pictures, because its just plain fun and can be harmless! But I will say my focus is going to be more on the content, that it’s because its a part of me, and makes me human.
Even though it feels like this shift all happened on a drive home yesterday randomly, I know fully that this is not the case. God has been preparing my heart for this change and transition all along. When I felt like I was using a dull knife it was God teaching me patience and perseverance.
I realize now that every day that I listen to the Christian station in my car or Christian Pandora; every day I make a choice to guard my heart and mind against certain tv shows, music, and books; every time K and I pray or read in the Bible together these are all individual “upgrades” to bigger tools to finally break through that wall, where Jesus is on the other side laying down the path to follow Him.
I can truly picture Him laying each stone down with His hand out wanting me to walk with Him and follow Him.
Every day I use those tools I feel I get closer and closer.
Whew. Deep breath right?!
I know all my habits and actions aren’t going to change immediately. I will also fall. But I finally feel like I am going in the right direction.
Change can be good, and I’m ready to embrace it.
Hello new season of life, I’ve been waiting to meet you.
xoxo, Tamara
So happy for you, Tamara! I always return to these beautiful words from Pope John Paul II:
“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.
It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”
Love this, Tamara, and your heart for what God wants your life to be!
I did an instragram search of #HoustonWeddings and somehow stubbled across one of your pics of your work (which is beautiful btw) and somehow, stumbled across this blog post —- wow! How awesome are you! You wrote it a few months back but as I read it today, I’m grateful I did. Pretty inspiring stuff. Sonia