Hi there!
So I am about to share a big ‘ole secret….If you know husband and I personally you’ve probably heard us say we dislike kids, we’re never having them, and you may have even witnessed us rolling our eyes when in a public place and an unruly kid screams blood murder for no apparent reason.
But, here’s the deal, here’s our secret…we don’t really hate kids! ha! Who knew right?!
Part of me believes that Kason has always “played along” with my non-love for kids simply because he knew deep down why I pretended that I didn’t want any.
If you were able to catch my blog post last week you know that I have a family history of mental illness. I shared last week my dad committed suicide when I was 14, but I didn’t share that my grandmother, uncle and another grandfather did as well.
Bipolar manic depression is prevalent in my dad’s side of my family.
I have literally built a wall out of fear because I am either scared of carrying and therefore passing on any form of the illness to my unborn children, and that they will have the problems that my dad struggled with for so long with.
I have also been scared that even though I don’t outwardly display any warning signs or symptoms that I am harboring the disease and when my body eventually goes through the hormonal roller coaster that is pregnancy those dormant symptoms will activate and turn me into the next Andrea Yates.
These are real fears, but they are fears of someone who doesn’t fully rely on God and trust that He will keep us safe, healthy, and equip me to be a great mom that raises Godly children.
Now, hubby and I aren’t “trying” yet so lets not get ahead of ourselves, we’re still just practicing! 🙂 But when I wrote about laying all the pain at the altar at the Pursuit 31 Conference, I meant it, and this was what I laid at God’s feet. The fears, the feelings of inadequacy, the wall I built- I let it all go and gave it all to Him.
My sweet husband has been “ready” for quite some time, but oh my gracious every time I ask him about it, his only response is always “whenever you’re ready”- Be still my heart y’all. He is so patient, and so willing for me to be in a place of solitude and comfort.
I don’t know that I am ready just yet, but I do know I am not scared anymore- ’cause I know I am not doing it alone. God’s got this and I am more than happy to let Him have it and handle it.
I surrender Lord.
xoxo, Tamara
Fear is somethg i deal with on a daily basis, Tamara,past experiences n emotional disorders run into play with mine as well as aheart condition , a disease that i have that causes fear , on top of the normal fear, i understand completely, n your right u have to say to ur self, ” God im ur instrument” Im so glad your fear for bringing a special spirit into this world is getting closer to u conquering it. You have tremendous faith . Put that child first above all like God has done for you. Fear is ot an easy thg to overcome , like i said its a constant battle n its kept me waisting yrs of thgs i couldve already accomplished, but theres a reason n this scripture says it all.
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Its only to make ur stronger!! You hang in there ok!! We love you n you will know only u n god will know when your ready, but dont waste yrs to find out. 🙂
That is one of the bravest things I’ve ever heard anyone say. It’s one thing to admit it to yourself, and another to admit to others. I believe if you lay it all out to God you have broken this curse and you will have a happy, healthy family. <3